This is an assumed discussion that took place between Ugandan president, his cabinet and prominent politicians after the Aljezeera Interview. By JS Ssentongo
MZEE: In my previous Al Jazeera interview, the journalist asked if I am going to stand again for president. I told him I will follow our Constitution. He also asked if I am going to change the Constitution to be able to stand again and I told him I will follow our Constitution. My friends, didn’t I manage him?
SSEMUJJU: hmmm, we are watching you…!!! Dare touch it!
MZEE: You boy, did I invite you to my wall? Take away your
nani…ideological disorientation. Don’t bring your FDC confusion here.
TINKASIIMIRE: It is going to be bloody…
ANITE: Mzee, our mighty father of the nation, as usual, that was a brilliant response you gave. Any task for me to start executing? Hihihihi, ayiriririri… Unopposed.
MZEE: My daughter, you have really matured ideologically. I am impressed. Which other ministry would you want? I think we should put you in charge of party ideology.
MBIDDE: I notice the paroxysm in your soliloquy. The quintessential spookiness of your post is tangential to my cognitive discernment. Tinkering with the age limit provision will certainly be a rigmarole by which our Constitution might succumb to a rigor mortis at the expense of serendipity.
LUBWAMA: Hmm! Mbidde, you think you have spoke wonderful? You are just showing your selefu like this Butambala Kivumbi. Your English has no cotyledon, no circumference… It is just poorfully talked. Where did you studied my brother?
MZEE: Hahaha… Lubwama, show them. They’ve always been saying that the problem started with UPE.
OPONDO: Mzee, I really like your post. I wish I could like it more than 75 times. Those Al Jazeera idiots try to put us on the spot yet, because of our progress, we are the ones supplying their countries with maids and night watchmen. We should withdraw all our maids and see if their economies won’t collapse. Age limit is our business, not for those Arabs.
KABAFUNZAKI: Did those Al Jazeera people ask anything about me? You know these days I have become everyone’s beating thing. But Mzee, I swear I was only checking if the money that hotel uses is genuine.
All the notes they found there were samples. This is FDC at work, Mzee; you fell into their trap by suspending me. Those people are terrible; they must be the ones behind all this handshake noise.
MIRUNDI: Kabafunzaki, you should lie low like an envelope and stop crying like a constipated baby. Trying to
solovu your polobuleemu is like injecting a corpse. When a husband finds his wife’s lips shining on the day their sauce went missing, she can’t say it is makeup.
Back to the subject of Mzee’s post; for us who studied political science, we call that reverse psychology. Mr President, when I analyse those questions you were asked, it is very kiliya that there is Mbabazi’s invisible hand behind them.
Simple logiki. Mbabazi must be working with Al Jazeera to embarrass you, your excellency! Having said that, tell Tumwebaze and Nalweyiso that if we ever meet in a dark room somewhere, one of us will leave dead. I am
selefu made, they shouldn’t jooko with me.
MWENDA: hihihi… I told you Mirundi is a liability to you, Mr President. Over 90 per cent of the spurious things he says are statistically below the acceptable margin of error.
I can only compare him to Besigye’s deluded psychotic fanatical supporters in being of no political significance. I tell you even if you hire 50 people with PhDs, when you still have the likes of Mirundi associated with you, you will only continue realizing what economists call diminishing returns.
Just tell him to shut up. When you sacked him, what was the opportunity cost? Well, let me get you some statistics to corroborate your answers to Al Jazeera.
MIRUNDI: Mwenda, you are useless. You survived me at State House the other day when you doctored a tape against me. I was going to okukuyoola in front of the president, eish.
NANKABIRWA: You people, don’t quarrel on our father’s wall! Mzee, for me I am just waiting for your instruction on how to vote on the age limit. Only say a word and we show you our reasoning abilities. Never make a mistake of leaving us. Obote might come back and destroy what you have built. We can’t imagine this country without you as president.
JANET: Nankabirwa, wow! Did God speak to you last night? You know, God has always spoken through foresighted people like you.
TANGA: Indeed, God had to talk through that one, not the likes of Lumumba!
ANYWAR: Mzee, I take this wonderful opportunity to greet you and thank you for all the work you are doing for this great nation. Now, allow me to remind you of my forthcoming thanksgiving ceremony which you recently offered to attend. If you can’t make it in person, at least you can delegate a brown envelope. Otherwise, I have no comment on the interview.
ADVISER: Mr President, I am asking for some advice on how I should advise you on that matter. I have been looking for you in vain, I am so lucky to have found you here.
MZEE: How can I help you? Is it your children’s school fees again?
ADVISER: The truth is that I have a loan on my neck. As you can see, I am also ageing and my medical bills are becoming unbearable, yet a person of my status can’t go to Mulago. Please, Your Excellency, I will appreciate your intervention as usual.
OTAFIIRE: Bwahaahahaha… Hihihihi… hihihihi…
The author works with the Center for African Studies at Uganda Martyrs University, Nkozi.